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Feeling Unappreciated| Blog Everyday In September|| #Day 2

Sometimes I feel unappreciated, misunderstood. All that. I feel as though my mom doesn't understand me or get me anymore. She said she has autism like me, yet she holds me on a neurotypical standpoint. Maybe she secretly wants me to be an NT. She disregards my feelings sometimes. I feel as though she plays mind games with me. She doesn't want to help me anymore even though the doctor said I will need some type of help.

Maybe this is just all an act for the doctor. I am referring to phone calls if the person says something I don't understand and I am having trouble following through. It would be easier to give her the phone instead of making the person repeat themselves 100 times.

My grandpa and I planned on going back down south in August. Due to his fault, we could not go. The A/C needed gas and he had to pay 300 dollars to fix it. Had he tested the unit earlier maybe repairs weren't going to be as high? Had he put money away then he wouldn't always be broke. My mom has a class reunion coming and she wants to go. I wanted to come along because I need a break from all this toxicness and stress from this house. My mom seemed OK with it beforehand then all of a sudden she starts guilting me that she wanted to go by herself saying 'I had my turn.' I told her before I wanted to go back. She agreed that is good for me and she will help me save up to go down there whenever. What happened to that? It was probably a trick for all I know.

She wants me to understand her point of view but won't understand mine. I need a break. This is for my health. The toxicness of this house is eating me alive. The stress could be why I get so many headaches outside of needing my teeth out. The stress could be why my period is irregular and why my craps get worse each month. I had them out and had this massive migraine last week. Remember this is how I feel. This doesn't mean that could actually be the case. Minus the bus ride, she WILL be by herself because I am staying with my great grandmother. She will go to her reunion BY HERSELF. She will hang out with her friends BY HERSELF. Once her friend picks us up at the bus station and one of my aunts or cousins pick me up from her friend, Linda's, she is on her own. I am out of her way. Remember, I don't always understand other's point of view or their feelings. Depending on how they go about it. My mom isn't looking at the times she will be by herself.  This is how I see it.

I think she guilts me because when I went with my grandpa to his sister's funeral, I left her. ONLY because she was currently getting a job. If she wasn't trying to get a job, she could have come with us and my grandpa would have told his sister to rent a bigger car. And could have dropped her off at her friend's place if that's where she wanted to stay. It's not my fault she was trying to get a job,  it's not my fault my aunt died. If she didn't die I wouldn't have even gone. It's like she is punishing me when I had no control over her getting a job or my aunt dying.

I wanted to pool my blog earnings to go. Even if I can pay for my food and to have my own money. I know she has to get my hair done, paying off my dental surgery and paying almost 200 bucks for our tickets. I thought it would be good to at least get my own money for food. I know she can't spare another 100 or so for food while having her own money for food and to have some money in my pocket. I don't get credit for that.

 My doctor said I will be unable to work due to my mood and getting stressed and overwhelmed easily, That is unfortunate. That's why I started my crypto blogs to try to help any way I can. I don't get a 'I know your doctor said you can't work and you are trying your best and want to help me with your blog, I appreciate that but hold on to it and let it get as high as you can.' Or whatever.

I even offered to go by myself on a different date but she doesn't trust me to travel on my own apparently.  My mom KNOWS  how my mood is, my doctor TOLD HER and she plays these games to provoke my Bi-polar then play the 'you can stomp all you want' card.

My mom needs to wake up and understand I WILL NEVER BE A NEUROTYPICAL, NEVER!!!!!! I WILL ALWAYS NEED HELP WITH SOMETHING, ALWAYS!!!!!! I am going to have autism until the day I die (even though death terrifies me.)  My autism will NEVER go away. I will ALWAYS have some issues with it.  I know having a son/daughter with autism is not easy, I get that.

You have to think it is not their fault and they are trying to cope in a world that doesn't understand them. Put yourself in their shoes and remember your aspie isn't making things hard for you on purpose. I don't think my mom will ever understand that. Ever. Try being in a world you don't understand and then come back to me. Imagine being in another country, you can't understand that country's language. Can't communicate with the people there. That's what it's like to be in our brains, EVERYDAY, ALL THE TIME, 24-SEVEN.


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