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I Got Into A Fight At School

This will be about a time I got into a fight with a girl at school when I was a freshman in high school. This happened as a result of bullying and developing anxiety. Hang on for this one.

Fire And Water, Fight, Hands, Fire, Heat, Burn, Flame

This happened in gym glass. We had a substitute teacher. I just want to say that the entire freshman year was awful due to bullying (verbal). I suppose all the bullying was amplified and makes it seem like being are being mean to me or talking about me when they are. I thought this girl was talking about me because the anxiety brain was telling me. Think of it as an abusive friend. In reality, the girl could have been talking about a movie she saw. I want to give you an understanding of what the anxiety brain sees vs what it actually is.

We were walking back to the gym to do the workout portion. I thought the girl was talking about me. I walked angrily towards her. I wasn't going to push her. Just sternly tell her to stop talking about me. She thought I was going to push her and she scratched me. Then we started fighting.

The other kids and the teacher intervened. So the kids who witnessed the fight went to the office to report the incident.

I had deep cuts (not very deep) but to the point where I was bleeding. The nurse had to fill out an injury report. Then she called my mom. My mom was mad. Schools normally suspend you when you get in a fight. Maybe the first fight is a warning and then you get suspended.

I didn't for the hell of it walk to the girl angrily. My anxiety told me she was talking about me. She could have been saying she liked my shoes, but anxiety told me she was talking bad about me and laughing at me.

Nts will easily say it's an excuse to be a jerk but don't understand being manipulated and doing it at your own free will are 2 different things. Mental illnesses are like a demon. Like when I was at the store I thought this lady was being mean when I told her I was trying to hold my spot in line so I can get my money ready. Also, my folks have yelled at me for small mistakes. My mom ex-bf especially. That trama was also amplified. I have reached the point where I try to hurt myself if someone yells at me. Hence why I wouldn't be able to work a job. It seems like she was yelling at me when she probably wasn't. It could just be how she talks and she never intended to yell. I also see people who yell as 'mean.'  And no, I didn't fight this person. All the trama my folks put me through when I was little really messed me up. I was not diagnosed with autism at the time. So my folks though punishing me, yelling, spanking me would work when it didn't.

The lady is an NT so she will see me as crazy but someone who understands mental illness, verbal abuse most likely will understand I probably thought she was yelling. They won't right off the bat but once I explain to them they may get it. The dean knew the bullying I went through which is why he understood the fight wasn't intentional.
Sometimes I feel people be nice to me only to manipulate me and then turn on me ( it has happened. My ex-friend played me to think she was my friend then turned on me and tried turning people against me) which was also my instinct with the lady.

When you are different you are an easy target to bullies. Rather than having fun with your differences, people rather mock you.

I keep myself away from people to avoid these misunderstandings. It could have easily told the lady it was a misunderstanding but most people don't get that mistakes will happen.

I sometimes wish I can live off the grid or something away from people. It's like I wanna socialize but at the same time don't wanna be outcatsed by NTs. If I got a dollar for every social situation I got into because I was under the impression that someone was being mean to me I'd be rich.


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