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I Wanto To Be Free

I want to be free. Free from everyone relying on me of course. I don't mean to sound selfish but if my mind is not in the right setting I won't be in the right set to help anyone else. Someone wanting to self-care for themselves isn't selfish. You can't go out of your way for people if they wouldn't do the same for you. I

People with chronic illnesses, disabilities, mental health issues are looked down on because they focus on self-care. It's a sad world. Like my grandpa could ask me to take him to the doctor and if I say I am not feeling well I get guilted. It's like no matter how I am feeling, no one cares I am expected to perform at 100%
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I wasn't prepared for this. As soon as I got my driver's license. My grandpa all of a sudden depended on me to drive him around. I don't mind it but I won't do it unless I am on the insurance plan. My folks can't afford to add me right now. They don't get if I get into an accident, the insurance company won't cover the damage because I am not on the plan. They don't seem to care since my grandma is always 'you taking him to the doctor?'
My grandma clearly doesn't understand. She would think 'oh I'm struggling as it is and I can't risk Jasmine driving with no protection, I should drive Eugene to the doctor until I can get her on the plan.' 

Allstate outright told them they will not cover a driver that is not on the plan. You may see me as not wanting to drive my grandpa around is selfish.

What's selfish is them putting me in potentially stressful situations that could have been prevented.

 If I get hurt in a wreck, Allstate won't cover my injuries because I am not on the plan. I would have to pay for the bills. If I get into an accident and they see I am not on the plan, I am the one that's gonna be interrogated, not my grandpa, not my grandma. I don't handle that very well. It makes me extremely anxious. Sometimes I ask myself why is this happening. Why is everyone all of a sudden dependant on me when I wouldn't be able to catch myself if I fell? If I can't handle myself then I can't handle someone else.

Why put me in these possible situations when my grandma can take my grandpa to his appointments or my grandpa can ask a friend to drop him off until I can get on the insurance.

They KNOW I am autistic. I don't know if the police in Illinois, have the training to deal with someone on the spectrum or with anxiety.

Believe it or not, autistic people do get arrested at traffic stops because the cop misreads their autism traits.  I wouldn't have to worry about this if my folks weren't so dependent on me. They have friends. My grandpa has a habit of waiting until the last minute to do things. If he would ask sooner, someone could work something out. They could drop him off at least. Of course, waiting for the last minute to ask someone to do something for you, they will already have something to do.

I think my grandpa having me drive him around knowing I am not on the plan and knowing the risks is more selfish than me refusing to drive him UNTIL I am on the plan. LISTEN. I am not saying I won't drive him ever. I am saying I would rather do it on the insurance plan. At least I have protection if something happens.

 You would not browse the internet without Malware protection on your PC. Driving without insurance falls under the same belt. Think if I get into a wreck my grandma would have to pay out of pocket whatever the damages are. We are hardly making it as it is. Is it really worth it?

When my grandma got into a wreck, the insurance covered her because she was on the plan. They paid to have the car fixed, they even lent her a rental car until the truck was fixed. The damages were more than what the car is worth.

If I get into a wreck, the insurance will not do what they did when my grandma was in a wreck because I am not on the plan.

An idiot blowing at me, startling me could cause an accident.

I ask myself how did I get into this mess. I want out. I wanna be free.

 The difference in driving with my grandma than driving with my grandpa is my grandma has a driver's license. If I am driving and something happens, she can take over like when the brakes quit while I was driving. We defied physics enough to pull over and so we can get the car to the shop.

My grandpa doesn't have a license. If something happened while I was with him, he couldn't take over. He is hard of hearing so whatever happens, it could be too late by the time I can tell him because I'll have to repeat it 5 times. It's sad to be put in these possible situations that can be avoided, to begin with, if my grandma would take him to his appointment or he takes transportation.

I also take meds that make me sleepy. I take anxiety meds and that will show up on a drug test. When I had that dental surgery, I am sure the pain killers they gave me would show up. The pill bottle tells you not to operate a machine will taking the drug.

The antibiotics they had me on as well as the pain meds had me feeling dizzy and sleepy. It took me 3 weeks to finish the antibiotics. My grandpa had me taking a HUGE risk driving with that stuff in my system.

He had an appointment a week after my surgery. The nurse told me before my surgery NOT to drive while on the meds. I took the pain meds every day for about 2 weeks. If I got stopped, the cops did a drug test, that stuff showed up. DUI. Remember, the nurse said NOT to drive while on the meds. Maybe I am paranoid. All because my grandpa waited until the last minute to ask his friends to take him. BY then they already made their plans. You have to remember that meds take a while to work their way out of your system. If he asked them at least a week in advance something could have been worked out. They could have dropped him off.

I am done taking these risks. It's like my folks don't even care what it would do to my anxiety if I got in a wreck and my grandma has to pay out of pocket to get the car fixed. Or I get a DUI because the meds I take show up on a drug test. DUIs count for drugs not only alcohol. Anything that impairs your driving ability counts. Most if not all drugs say 'may cause drowsiness' on the bottle. If the meds make me sleepy, I am not alert.

Why do my folks want me going through consequences for their mistakes? My aunt even said I shouldn't be driving without being on the plan. My mom said she doesn't mine short distances but longer distances with an unlicensed driver (my grandpa is her issue).

In a general sense driving with no insurance is driving illegally. What if that goes on my driving record if I get stopped? What do I say?

Remember, I don't intend to come off as selfish. I am not saying I don't want to drive my grandpa around. I am saying I do not feel safe doing it not being on the plan. There is too much at stake driving someone all over creation not being on the plan. Things happen. People don't know how to drive. It's a money concern when you think about it. My grandma would rather risk paying an arm and a leg to fix her truck if I get into a wreck than to drive her own husband to the doctor until I can get on the insurance.

I feel like everyone in the house suddenly elected me their assistant. They have me so busy catering for them, I have no time to get my mental health right. Sometimes I feel like breaking my arm just to get a break. No matter what condition I am in, I don't seem to get one.
 I had a bad cold in 2015 and my mom still made me wait on her hand and foot and made me do stuff when she KNEW I was too sick. My mind is in a bad place and it will never get time to heal with everyone keeping me busy catering to them. When I was down south both times. I felt so much freer not being someone's cab driver, butler, and assistant. I felt a weight has been lifted off my shoulders not having to cater to 3 people. Think of this way, if your team has 2 people and the other team has 6 people, the team with 2 people will have a harder difficulty. One person catering to 3 people is extremely tough. If I had a team, it would be easier. That person does one thing and I do the other.
Due to autism, dealing with multiple things is incredibly tough.

Again don't take this as being selfish. If you wouldn't drive without a license, I don't want to taxi cab someone around with no protection.


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