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My Grandma Verbally Abuses Me (trigger warning)

I mention abuse in this blog and may mention some sensitive stuff, please read with caution. You don't have to read if you don't want to. If you choose to read, just be careful, alright? Anyways I hope someone learns something from this.

Woman, Desperate, Sad, Tears, Cry, Depression, Mourning

My grandma verbally abuses me on a regular basis. I am not trying to invalid physical abuse. Any type of abuse is messed up. Bones heal but healing a broken mind isn't so simple. My grandma likes to treat people like dirt and wonder why no one wants to do anything for her.
 My grandpa treated her badly. If she doesn't like it when he does it to her then what makes her think I want to be treated that way? I feel like my grandma is angry at me for no reason. I've done nothing wrong. I am fed up with being treated like this because I don't do things how she wants me to and when she wants me to. I am fed up with me wanting me to do things like she wants it done. This is why I wouldn't be able to hold down a job.

My mom is supposed to go to MS in the spring and is leaving me behind. I guess I will have to lock myself in the basement and stay away from my grandma until she gets back. My mom and everyone like to blame me for having a negative mindset. Where do they think I am getting it from? I just didn't wake up like this. My grandma puts me down for not doing things when and how she wants it. I am tired of doing things for her and get put down or called back upstairs and have to do it again because it wasn't how she wanted it. I am tired of doing things over and over because it's not how she wants it.

She can't be grateful that the job got done. My grandpa and my mom stopped doing things because they were sick of being put down because it wasn't how she wanted it. That leaves poor me going through this abuse. I want to be free. I don't think I ever will be. Sometimes I would rather be dead than to take this abuse from my grandma. My grandma likes to blame me and won't take responsibility for her actions.

Instead of going 'Maybe I am being too hard on Jasmine. She is trying her best. It may not be how I want it, but it's getting done."
Sometimes I feel like saying 'I am trying as hard as I can, I really am. I may not be in your eyes but it's a constant fight. What more do you want from me? What do you want from me, honestly?'

 But no, it's always my fault.  If I could I would lock myself in the basement and do nothing all day but be on my computer. It's better than being put down because you can't do things how someone else wants you to do and when they want it.

Sometimes I feel like throwing myself down the stairs to get hurt so I won't have to do anything. It's like my grandma is trying to put me through the abuse my grandpa put her through. I ask myself why. I ask myself every day why do I have to be put through this? I can't take it anymore. Being my mom's servant, being my grandma's assistant and being treated badly. Being my grandpa's taxi driver. Everyone has me busy and I have no time to heal. Maybe I will never get better. Maybe this is my life now. Everyone depending on me and getting shitty treatment for not being the best.  I can't get better being in a toxic space. My doc even said so himself.

When I do my little activities to raise money for things (which is held on my crypto sites) I will put some money away so I get get the heck out. Maybe I and my mom can go somewhere. When I am gone I wanna see who my grandma is gonna abuse. I will try to fund more travels. If I travel frequently, maybe she won't have time to abuse me.

Remember money, fam, fortune doesn't mean you can't be depressed. My folks always used this on me and called me ungrateful when I got depressed. When I was little. Depression doesn't care about your mansion or your car or the millions of dollars in your bank account.
When will people wake up? Robin Williams was rich and famous. His depression didn't give a shit. Where is he now? DEAD. The guy from the Hunger Games, gone from depression. Anything under the sun can cause someone's mental illness. In my case being abused by my grandma. A roof over my head, food in the fridge, etc, that doesn't matter with depression.

I also put up with abuse by my aunt. My mom sent me over there when she stayed the night with her boyfriend. When I was little. My aunt would hit me, yell at me when I made a mistake or didn't understand what she wanted me to do. I can't follow verbal instructions. I can follow the visual instructions. My aunt called herself helping me with math. Math is my hardest subject. All my aunt did was yell at me when I wasn't understanding. I hated going to her house because I was fed up with being yelled at and hit when I did nothing wrong.  My mom sees it as 'discipline'
It was like an episode of Survivor trying to survive a weekend with her. A weekend of getting slapped for little things. I would have voted myself out of her house.

One time I was helping her make potato salad. The white part of the egg came off while I was peeling. My aunt hit me for it. What would have been so hard about showing me a better way to peel the egg? I guess yelling and hitting are all my aunt knew. I felt like her punching bag and not her niece. She is a Jehova's Witness. Maybe that's how Jehova taught her how to treat kids. Hitting someone over an egg?!  Literally, all she had to do was show me a better way to peel the egg. My whole life when I was a kid my aunt threatened to hurt me. I didn't understand why someone who is my FAMILY wants to harm me. I am a freaking KID and you wanna hurt a defenseless kid?!  My mom would say she goes by who she was raised. Why would you want your kids in a shitty place just because you were? My aunt should have wanted better for me and not put me through the shabby treatment she may have gotten. Or if it was apart of her religious beliefs not roping me into it.

I just don't understand how misunderstanding what she wanted me to do or my mere ADHD traits meant I deserved to be hit and yelled at. An ADHD brain is like a messy room. The information can't get through. So it may take a while to understand what I was told.  I wish people understood that their so-called 'discipline' is not gonna help ADHD. My aunt called her self slapping and yelling it out of me but it did nothing and now I don't want to do anything for anyone to avoid abuse if I make a mistake. Understanding, patience and proper accommodations are what will help ADHD. What my aunt did to me when I misunderstood and made a mistake is the main reason why I am afraid to make mistakes and why I don't want to do anything. I tried my best to help my aunt and I get hit in return.

I am scared for the next-gen ADHD/autism kids if people think what my aunt did to me is gonna help. My mom didn't think a person born in like the 50s would not know how to handle a special needs kid? Apparently not.


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